Today I thought I was going to write to you guys about something completely different. However, when I woke up today I finally was able to breathe. Now I can hear you thinking to yourself, of course you can breathe. Oxygen rushing through your lungs and all that, thanks captain obvious. But what I mean, is that I have felt something weighing on my chest for months now. I am talking about the feeling of caring for something so deeply that you can’t speak about it or even think about it. Of being so completely petrified about losing something that you push it away. Well thats me! Lover and loser, of all things important. And I know you think I’m talking about a guy. Surprise, surprise! Yes I am, but today I want to paste this label on everything. Friends, family, guys, school, and of course myself.
I know there is a previously set standard about every teenager apparently thinking they can’t find themselves, or are afraid of losing themselves or their friends in this crazy thing called life, however, I like to pretend I am alone in this idea. Because then I can whine and moan about how nobody understands me, but today I am going to throw this out the window. I am going to allow this notion that maybe we are not alone in thinking this, flutter through my mind. So this is what I am going to tell you guys. You can allow every good thing you have every had to slip through your fingers and you can stand tall and pick yourself up off the floor in a few months. You can move on and you can make new friends, find a new guy, or even reinvent yourself. BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO. You do not have to roll over and allow your mistakes to haunt you. You can apologize and you can fight.
A few months ago I allowed myself to push away the only good thing that has ever happened to me. I convinced myself of so many lies that I truly became a person that I hated, and so I pushed and pushed until there was nothing left. But there is, something left that is. I realized that I’m left. I’m still here! My life did not end like I thought it would. Humans have this incredible capacity to forgive and forget things (crazy, I know!). Up until recently, I wasn’t able to do this. However, I pushed my boundaries (in a good way this time) and I became a person I can stand to look at in the mirror again. After I did this, I tried to get back the thing I lost. Now let me tell you something, this is not a happily ever after. This experience was sad, tragic, and hard. It involved a lot of crying and many, many hours of regret and it didn’t end in me getting my prince. It ended in my prince finding an equally beautiful, amazing cinderella who didn’t turn back into a peasant when she left the ball. However, I don’t regret trying or fighting. It may have been awful at points, but I didn’t want to be the person that crawled into a hole and looked back in ten years still hoping for a second chance. No. I refused to be her. I may have lost the only good thing that had happened to me, but I learned that so many more amazing things can happen to me if I let them. If I refuse to be afraid of the consequences, the hard work, and if I choose to learn from these mistakes. If only I learn to lose, and I learn to love again.
So thank you, to the person I lost. Thank you for turning me away. Thank you for teaching me, that you may have been the best thing to happen to me so far, but you will not be best thing to happen to me ever. And last but not least, thank you for teaching me that loving is losing, losing is learning, and learning is living.
tori time 